Gaining Understanding

I haven't completely come to an understanding but I am getting there.

I have always thought, I believed "don't let bad things in life control you, get over it and move on; don't let it move you".  I do sort of believe it, but I am coming to realize that believing and reality are two different things.

I am gaining an understanding of how much of an effect the deaths of loved ones has consumed me.

How I haven't let go, of things concerning these people.

How it has affected my behavior.

How it has affected my health.

And how I where I am at this point in my life.

1979

The first death that had a major impact on me was my father's.  My dad died 32 years ago in March.  I was pregnant with our daughter, Jennifer (our 3rd child).  I remember a conversation, he and I had many, many years previous; when my cat, Princess died.  He asked me, "If you are crying this much for a cat, what will you do when I die?"  The answer was, is and continues to be cry alot!  But there is also, alot of regret surrounding my father's death.  My parents lived about an hour south of us.  The weekend before he died, my brother-in-law was in town, we could have gone down to visit.  But two weeks before that, my dad and I had a fight.  It was really something silly, especially in the grand scheme of things but none the less, I didn't want to be around him.  I never told him enough that I loved him, we butted heads alot. I hate that our last words were less than loving.  I regret understanding I had no control in this, but regret that he only saw 2 of my 12 children on this earth.

That same year, Dan's grandfather died and I was due within a month; so we didn't go up to the funeral.  I have always regretted Dan not getting to go up for the funeral.  But he wasn't going without me.

Then two months later in that same year, my grandfather was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  The navy pulled Dan home and gave him emergency leave so we went to MS.  Things went well, he got to see and hold Jennifer.

1980

Just over a year later, the tumor was back and again, we were on our way to MS.  Things looked good so back home we went.  Within hours of getting home, we received the call that my grandfather had died.  So I flew back with my mom, leaving Dan behind with 3 kids and pregnant with George.  My granddaddy was very special to me and it was so hard to think of the world without him.  But at least, I did have positive times.  No regrets just great sadness.

Many years passed before I had to deal with death on such a personal level.  But the next death would be devastating to me.

1995

It would be the death of my almost born son, Andrew.  Andrew was due during December.  He would be our 11th child, he would be our 3rd unassisted homebirth in MS.  I have struggled for many years and still do with feelings of guilt, that maybe I could have done something differently and we would not have lost him.  I mean after all, I heard them people whispering it.  So it was planted in my brain, in my heart and I sort of believed it.  I regretted his death but even more I regretted events that happened afterwards.  I pretty much shut down, then I buried myself in my religion, and I tried to keep busy and I ignored all the things inside me.  When I became pregnant again, I was fearful.  I miscarried 9 months to the day after Andrew was born (a blighted ovum).  So I just had hormonal stuff to deal with, not so much grief.  But since I had had a vision before Andrew was born of a stocking with the name Bethany on it; I knew another child was to come.    I regret the anxiety I felt during my pregnancy with Bethany.  And her birth was rough but I felt complete and done, when she was born.  From Andrew's death, I have not only regretted his death, but the lack of attention I gave my family during those years following.

Death would not revisit my door for many more years.  But it to would be devastating to me.  I am only now realizing how much  it has affected the decisions I have been making and lack of action on the behalf of my family.  Unlike before, I found no solace in my religion for the deaths that would affect me.

2006

Brought the death of my granny, of course the 3 years prior to her death were hard.  I was sort of coming out of Andrew's death, then she had to have bypass surgery.  My family tried to care for her, but were unequipped to care for the changes in her life.  She had always been very active and now couldn't do much.  It was decided that she would go to a nursing home.  A decision I have so long regretted, because she really went downhill at that point.  This is my life, I always am wondering should I have hung on alittle longer and things would improve.  My Granny and Granddaddy meant so much to me and are greatly missed.

2008

My granddaughter, Maggie was born with Trisomy 18.  It was a miracle, she was even born alive. 

A good, dear friend died.  He wasn't even 40 and was helping his mother with the sudden passing of his father.  He was dedicated to helping youth in our Scouting family, in large part because his sweet wife of less than 5 years supported him.  He played a large part in helping my own children.  To see my son processing his death, to see his sweet wife going through this.  It was so hard to understand.

 Then Maggie's day came to pass from this world.  Then my heart was ripped out, to know my daughter would be dealing with this inconsolable pain and to see another child leave this earth. It was more than I could bare and brought back so much pain in my own heart. 

2009

My brother-in-law, who was exactly 1 year younger than my dear husband, Dan died. This brought on much anxiety about my dear husband.  Thoughts of what would I do if I lost him.  At this point, I quit sleeping well.

Then my cousin, almost 10 years younger than myself passed, leaving his sweet wife, a handicapped son and 2 beautiful daughters.  It was so hard to watch his daughters struggle so with his death.

2010

My father-in-law passed from this earth. I watched the family handle this each in their own way.  I saw their pain.  I felt pain because I dearly loved him.  

2011

So here I am, looking back at all of this, and assessing it all and realizing many things.

Realizing that I shut my daughters out during their last pregnancies, because I couldn't let it hurt again.

Realizing I busy myself or I hide myself according to how much I can deal with and my family has been the one to suffer because I have not done what Really Needed to be Done.

Realizing that my health issues are related to my not processing my life events in a good way.

Realizing how much my family means to me.

But the bad thing is I still have no Real direction just alot of realization that hurts.

Friends and family, I am sorry for any and all stress and pain I have caused you over the past few year.  I wish I could say it is over, but I honestly don't know how to heal at the moment, but I am working on it.

I love you all and I know you have supported me in the best way that you could and probably the only way I would let you.

Love to you all!