Warning Sad Post

14 Years Ago-- One of My Many Personal Struggles

On Dec 22nd 1995, I awoke to an extremely strong kick from our unborn son. Of course, since we were having a homebirth, I didn't know it was a boy. My water had broken the day before and I had a few contractions. This wasn't unusual for me, I had had two other births (sons) who started their entrance into the world that way.

Also as par for the course for me, I still wasn't done with Christmas stuff. So that afternoon I was off to Walmart to finish up some last minute stuff. I know 41 weeks, water broke...but hey I needed to finish up I was going to have a baby in the next day or so.

As I was walking around I realized the baby wasn't moving. I got home sent my older children off to work and started looking for a heart beat and trying to stimulant movement. I didn't take long for me to realize that my efforts were in vain. I sat in the bathroom alone crying for the lose of this child. I knew Dan would be home soon, so I didn't call him. I know many will think, why didn't you go to the hospital sooner... because in my heart I knew it wouldn't have made any difference.

When Dan got home, he tried to find a heartbeat and get the baby to move. It was then decided to go to the emergency room. I was immediately taken to L&D. An ultrasound was brought in and confirmed our knowledge. I gave the medical people a complete medical history of myself and this pregnancy. They still treated me, as a crazy person. The doctor was even worse. When or how our children were told, I am unsure. It was decided to insert Prostoglandin gel and wait and induce the next day.

Dan and I spent the night in the hospital on the pull out bed. Crying together for our lose. I had not felt such pain in a long time. In some ways, a series of events in our lives had prepared me but there is only so much that can be done. Loss of a child is the hardest thing. My father had died when I was pregnant with my 3rd child, I loved and didn't like my father at the same time. Then almost 2 years later my maternal grandfather died, again I was pregnant. Then a few years later our 5th child was diagnosed with ALL (a form of leukemia) and Dan had just left on a cruise. And faced the prospect of losing a child, but she survived. I have experienced grief and death. But none of it compared to what I felt that night and even now.

The next day, I was induced. My Relief Society President Rita Turner and Dan were with me. It was a hard labor, I had been induced with the 2 other births so I knew what Pitocin was like. I had managed through them without pain meds. But the grief was too much so I asked for them this time. That was a mistake, the Morphine (doctor's choice) didn't really help with the pain of the contractions, just made the room spin between. We don't realize how much an alive baby helps during the labor and birth process.

He was finally born. Andrew David Cerveny, weighed in at 10 lbs. 5 oz. and was 22 inches long; he was our biggest yet. He looked perfect. Dan and Rita dressed him in the outfit I bought for after the birth. He barely fit it.

Then Tiff, Daniel and Jen came over to visit and to take me home. We all took turns folding him and crying. We were told to take as long as we needed. The photographer for new babies offered to take his picture. Dan took him down, my mom had give me a blonde long-hair sheep skin, he was laid on it. I am so grateful to have those pics (it is not a usual practice). We stayed until I started feeling Andrew getting cold, then it became even harder because we needed to go home to the littler ones. My children at home that time were 20 months, 4, 6, 8, 12, 14, 16, 18 and 20. Our older daughter was in NC and pregnant with her first. It was hard to let him go (because he was going to the morgue not home with me).

Again, we had to stop at Walmart on the way home. My prescriptions had to be filled and I sort of gave him a list.

So off, I go with prescriptions for pain and grief, and to dry up my milk for the baby I no longer had.

The next day was a blurr as were many. We went and meet with the funeral home and set up everything. We meet with our Bishop and set up services. And went home. The next day was Christmas. I don't remember doing any cooking, so I assume the girls took over. We had signed up for to feed the missionaries and we decided to keep the appointment. It was good for the kids.

I think I slept through the next day.

Then came the day to put him in the ground. We went by the funeral home. They had it set up for family to say goodbye. Dan had taken things (a blanket that was made for him, a musical toy, etc) ahead of time to be in the casket with him.

When we said goodbye, the kids added a Matchbox fire truck and his father put in a silver dollar (to call home). Then we headed to the cemetery. The cemetery where my grandfather, my grandmother's parents and her grandmother and aunts were all buried. Andrew was to be put in a spot next to my grandfather leaving room for me to be buried next to him and my grandfather on the other side. Then Dan would be buried on the other side of Andrew. The services went as well as can be expected. No one thinks of a child dying.

We all gathered back at my grandmother's house and ate and had people visit. Who was there, I honestly don't know.

The next few years are a blurr but then again so are many before that. I know I depended alot on the older daughters to help with our youngest.

I am unsure how to end this post. I wish I could say I handled this much better. But the reality is that some years are harder than others. Depending on the milestone it would be or the stress in my life.

My love to all who have been there for me during ALL of the struggles in my life. And I apologize for errors but I couldn't put my proof reader through this twice. She was the 20 month old at the time.