I am Alive!

Just barely though :(
Had a rough holiday season.  I was told I need to learn to be grateful for what I have and not what I have lost.  So I guess that confirms it I am a half empty glass person.
SO, how do I change!!!!
Another reason I am just barely alive is medicines.  When I broke down in tears at doctor visit, he decided to add a med.  Well, the next thing I know all I can do is sleep and lay down.  Being upright  was out of the question.  He had also changed my BP med so I decided to do an experiment after being incapacitated for over a month.  I cut out the non BP med, within 5 days I was able to be upright for more than 10 minutes.  I have been off it for just over a week and doing much better.  Hopefully in the next couple weeks I will be functioning totally again.
SO why were the holidays so tough....missing the children who were not here.
You want your kids to grow up and get lives, BUT then it happens and it saddens you. I think enough said, since I am tearing up thinking about it.
We worked Winter Camp which is also tough, it starts on the anniversary date that we buried Andrew.  A friend put in to a little perspective for me "That I honor Andrew's memory by helping other young men at that time of year!"  Then we had a good cry about my pain.  I must admit I am tired of the pain!
Since the New Year yet another child left the nest again!  And I miss him also.  Along with someone moving out came the rearranging of living space.  So it has been a busy time and a Decluttering time :)  Still have many spots in house to declutter and rearrange but it will get there!!!!